I'll tumblr for ya

dicksfordinner:

alexds1:

Disclaimer: this rant is written for a specific group of people. If you don’t belong to it, you already know that you don’t, congratulations, great shall be your reward in the afterlife.

DEAR [PEOPLE WHO DEBATE ABOUT SHERLOCK HOLMES’ SEXUALITY],

Sherlock Holmes has been appearing on my dash in profusion lately, usually in the context of gifs and swooning. Additionally, there’s been a lot of discussion about his sexuality or lack thereof. I can understand the interest, when there is a movie or a television series about any subject, there are bound to be people who are unable to derive satisfaction from anything less fascinating than characters doing X-rated things.

What I haven’t seen a whole lot of (or any of, to be perfectly honest), is discussion about the merits of the material itself. To my horror, I’m finding that most of the people getting into these heated arguments haven’t even read the original stories. Like, Reichenbach was not even on their radar at all.

[dramatic pause]

Okay, that’s not enough

[extended pause bordering on insult]

I’m not going to assume that all of the people who have seen and enjoy the modern franchises are terrible terrible people haven’t read the original books, that’s not fair. But it’s extremely annoying to see arguments about sexual relationships as it relates to these characters when, if you read the canonical material, their relationship and characters are blatantly obvious. Since evidently a lot of people haven’t visited the canon, I have some opinions to put on the table. One: the source material is the only material that matters; there would be no derivations without it; and two anyone who focuses on sexuality in this series is either being manipulative or completely missing the point.

Any speculation based on derivation is like speculation based on fan-fiction, it has no place for an appreciator of the art of storytelling. It also has no place for someone who truly cares for the series, because if you did, you wouldn’t be disrespecting it with your ridiculous stupid shitty theories. The stories are so strong that the English public cried out at the end of Memoirs and demanded that Doyle continue writing Holmes, despite the fact that he wanted to be done with it. Thankfully for us all he obliged. The undeniable proof of their excellence is that these stories have continued to remain extremely popular over a century since they were written. There a ton of adaptations both in written form, as radio plays, and of course in movies and television. There are not many works with such staying power. This is so for several reasons: the plots in Holmes’s adventures are overwhelmingly diverse and interesting; the writing is crisp, precise and easy to follow; and the characters are fascinating and endearing. Research says that the BBC show, while set in a modern era, attempts to stick to many of these points despite the update in environment. Until recently, I would have never guessed that people would care about the series for the stupidest, basest possible reasons… namely, the way the actors look and the possibility of fucking.

For those who will continue for whatever reason to shun the written word and let the screen rule you, here are some incontrivertible facts about Sherlock Holmes as it was written:

• Holmes is in love with nothing but exercising his intellect. This is blatantly stated in the first paragraph of the true Holmes stories, Scandal in Bohemia

  All emotions, and [love] particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise but admirably balanced mind. He was, I take it, the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen, but as a lover he would have place himself in a false position. He never spoke of the softer passions, save with a gibe and a sneer […] Grit in a sensitive instrument, or a crack in one of his own high-power lenses, would not be more disturbing than a strong emotion in a nature such as his.

  BY JOVE mystery solved. If you want to use this information to prove that Holmes is asexual, you are missing the entire goddamn point. He exists to illustrate the completely rational man: a human machine with only one function. Reading this and thinking about his sexuality is like reading Moby Dick and theorizing about the whale’s sexuality. It says less about the subject and more about you trying to force this character whose was defined 100 years before you were born into a mold that fits the lifestyle that most occupies your thoughts, in an intensely self-serving and incomprehensible way. Sex is never mentioned in the stories outside of the context of children or pregnant women, so it is a non-issue.

• Watson is a doctor who cares deeply about Holmes as a friend, and worries about him as a medical practitioner. He is married to his wife (or wives). His main role in the stories is as a sidekick and a chronicler of cases, and is ostensibly the reason we get to read them at all. He is also a partner in crime in the most literal sense, if you’ve read The Adventure of Charles Augustus Milverton. Holmes relies on Watson to fill in his weaknesses and to be backup. Sometimes they spend a lot of time together! And sometimes they don’t. In 1890 they only worked 3 cases. They are hardly joined at the hip.
• That said, you cannot deny the strength of the relationship between Watson and Holmes. It has been called one of the strongest friendships in fiction, and to treat it otherwise- with no evidence other than information from the umpteenth adaptation of Doyle’s work- is doing a vast disservice to it.
• Irene Adler, or any other woman inserted into any other series, is placed there simply because television executives don’t think you will have the concentration to care about an otherwise excellent series without a female love interest that you can superimpose your face on top of.
• Col. Moriarty is Holmes with a mind turned to crime instead of deduction, which is what makes him so fascinating
• Mycroft is fat, lazy Holmes, which is what makes him so aggravating
• I can’t think of another recurring character might be shipped with anyone else other than Lestrade (who is usually portrayed as a bulldog and a brute).

If nothing else, I’m sure I’ve illustrated my utter disdain for people who put their crotches in front of their brains. I will say that these faults are not entirely due to the viewer- studios are hoping like hell that you will continue doing this, this is how they get money. Every time you reblog some post about some shipping, another person is going to start watching. This is why the actor who portrays Sherlock hasn’t been an imposing hook-nosed middle-aged man for a while, they don’t think you are going to watch it if they do that. It annoys me that this unnecessary crutch continues to be thrust upon a series of such strength, and that audiences are being trained to be so superficial as to require it. And it is almost tragic that these grasping, emotionally-driven impulses that keep the fan community going are a direct affront to the type of rational thought that Holmes uses to solve

every

single

case.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, if you’re old enough to enjoy the television series you are definitely old enough to enjoy the original works. You will be far richer for them as well, will cry tears that are just as genuine and laugh laughs that are just as sincere. You don’t have to inject your life into every work in order to make the context meaningful. That is the crutch you give yourself, you must throw it away. You have been given a ticket for a trip into an era you can no longer visit, and solve fantastic crimes with a fantastic man who never existed. You don’t have to stop enjoying any of the derivations, but at least try out the original. And for the love of god stop treating sexuality like it is the pinnacle of every piece of work. Sherlock Holmes was written at a time when the media didn’t have the power to spoon feed you propaganda on how to feel emotionally fulfilled. If shipping and relationships are the only thing you can focus on, you are surely missing the point.

Appreciate these stories on the level that they were written, they are incredibly accessible. Go read all of the stories for free here, they are also free for eReaders on Amazon. If you want to turn around and imagine everyone fucking (or not fucking) after that, then fine. At least you will know the quality of the material you are disrespecting. I, for one, hope you don’t.

I want everyone watching me to read this.

FUCKING READ THIS.